i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
