i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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