Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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