see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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