Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize