My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My dick has a subreddit
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
