I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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