The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
