Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
