If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
