Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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