ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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