this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
