apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
