I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
