I think I died a long time ago.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
