dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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