That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
