Even the bartender felt bad for me
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
