I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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