Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
two words: eviction party
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
