Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
