My room smells like vodka and shame
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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