I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize