you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
