the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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