just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
