Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
