I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
