And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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