Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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