god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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