Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
