I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
