Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize