I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
