I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
FUCK WHALES
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
