; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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