He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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