So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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