I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
