omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
