i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
