so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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