Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
