Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
