My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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