i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
