What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
