hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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