I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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