i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
