I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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