meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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