I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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